Wednesday, August 31, 2011


My heart hurts as the reality of the changes this year become more prominent with each new day. I know that not all the changes will be bad, but it's the fear of the unknown that is gripping me and it shakes me to the core. The realization that things may never be the same again. Along with the fear comes excitement and anticipation in the fact that my days will never be the same-- There will be no repetitive days. A repetitive cycle, maybe, but never a day. There will always be something new and something different. Something to look forward to and things I wish I could avoid. Reasons to hold on and let go. Someone to laugh and cry with.

There's so much I'm feeling right now that I can't really focus on anything. I feel like laughing and crying at the same time. There's so much... in this life. Things that don't last and things that do. People who will be in my life for a moment and others that will be there for a lifetime. Memories that will resurface and others that will always remain. Feelings that will make me want to run and shout and others that will make me fall to my knees and cry. Moments that will fly by and others that will stretch into eternity.

Realizations and revelations about
who I am and what this life is supposed to be like. 

It's so different from KNOWING something and UNDERSTANDING something. You can know how find the solution to a problem but if you don't necessarily have to understand the process or reasoning. There's also a big difference between UNDERSTANDING and BELIEVING
A few days ago, understanding hit me like a freight train. What love really is. The best definition, explanation, and guideline for love resides in 1Corinthians 13. 

Love isn't earned but freely given.

Also, saying that you'll be there for someone may be good and well, but in all honesty, it's hard for the other person because there's nothing to hold onto except a promise. Promises are fragile and are easily broken. Actions truly speak louder than words. 
When the opportunity comes, when the right doors open, I WILL be there. It won't just be words on a screen but words from my mouth as I stand before you as I am. 

Just like how you'd rather have the real person instead of a phone call, text message, email, or letter. Not that those things aren't good or treasured but... there's something immensely different about having someone actually there, close enough to touch and hear. 

So many.... so much... it's overwhelming but I won't stop. I will fight what needs to be fought. I will stand my ground when all I really want to do is run. I will run when all I want to do is stay and argue. I will do my best to love. 

1 Corinthians 13:13--"Three things will last forever- faith, hope and love- the greatest of these is LOVE."

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