Saturday, September 21, 2013

Storming in Friendship

Currently a friend and I are...well, to be honest, I'm not sure what we are or where we are.

She and I have become really close over the past two years. We first connected during college over similarities between struggles with our high school best friends. After that, God continued to highlight her in the midst of all the people in my life. He wanted me to pay special attention to her and make sure she knew she was seen and valued. She's been there for me countless times. We've both been deeply scarred by past friendships, especially with the aforementioned best friends. Time and time again, when I expect to be disappointed or have a similar outcome occur, she proved me wrong. Our friendship has tested many harsh waves. It's experienced the tranquility of calm seas and beautiful ocean sunsets. We've seen the best and the worst of each other. We can read each other pretty well. In fact...I'd say she's one of the closest friends I've ever had. At least, up until this point in my life.

With this said, we both just graduated from college and recognize that our friendship will look different. Both of us are working together in the same internship but we will have different part time jobs and will hardly see each other during our internship unless necessary.

I wish I could say with confidence that we will remain friends for a long time, truly I want that with all my heart. I just don't know how to do that right now. Everything that I used to do doesn't work anymore. So much has changed for us externally and internally. Sometimes I don't have the slightest clue what she's thinking or feeling. Sometimes she feels so far away. Sometimes I wish I knew how to care for her, but when I try to, it feels irrelevant to what she needs. Far be it that I can meet her needs, but I want so badly to know that I am with her, in the good and the bad.

Sometimes I'm too focused on my own insecurities and feelings to really put myself in her shoes. 
... Today, I finally surrendered our friendship to you, God.
Because I am totally and completely lost.
I cannot do this friendship without you.
I need you to lead me because everything I seem to do either doesn't help or makes things worse.
Maybe the role I've played is not meant to be the role I stay in.
Jesus, I don't know what my role is in her life.
What kind of friend should I be?

Now I have a hard time believing I can read her at all.
I focus on my insecurities as being a bad friend and miss on what's happening currently--
miss her facial expressions, her tone of voice, subtle hints that would tell me
and sadly, sometimes I'm so fixed on my own thoughts and feelings that I miss what she SAYS.

God, help me. Forgive me for the ways that I've been trying to keep our friendship going on my own strength and wisdom. As if I know her best. I don't.
I don't. 
Sometimes she's one of the THE most complex people.

I need to trust you. I know I do.
Because our friendship would not last without you.
I need to believe that you have the best in mind for both of us.
That you are caring for both of us in more ways than I can imagine.
I acknowledge that I am weak. That I'm insecure. That I make mistakes.
Sometimes I'm impulsive. And stubborn.
But despite that, I believe that you use broken people.

I've been so incredibly blessed to have had her as a friend.
To know her as well as I do.
To have share numerous bouts of laughter
and countless tears.
To have leaned on each other during difficult times
God, please help me to trust you no matter what happens.

God... I want to believe you can make this friendship more beautiful than I can.
That where our friendship is now is not where it will be forever.
That I only see a snapshot and you see the entire picture.

God, we need you.